Part l Doctor Visit/ Part ll: Musings

First off, the doctor visit. You may recall that somehow (in the miracles do happen slot) the neuro-ophthalmologist  (let's call him Eye Doc: easier to spell) fit DH in on a very tight time frame yesterday. THEY kept apologizing to US for the wait during the appt. We both are so grateful that he was seen at all as this is the Dude-who-will-decide-if-DH-drives again. They performed many many tests on him. We also got to see his MRI live in black and white and could see where a part of the blockage was missing in his artery that sent it on its merry little way up the 1-5 corridor of his brain, lodging in the occipital lobe, causing the vision loss. Wow, the brain is a breathtaking blob of bifurcated bliss. (I have no idea where that description came from in my own brain). We got to see what looked like the biggest scariest snake-like white spot that lodged there...hiss. Then the Eye Guy says: "Well, it is small and this was a relatively small stroke." As I am looking at that snake-like thing, I am wondering "What does a BIG one look like??? Is this an earthworm size? an asp? "  Because to me it looked like one of those boas,not the cute feathery kind around your neck but the ones that dropped down out of the tree in the old Tarzan movies, crushing the poor guy unlucky enough to be underneath. So hey, this WAS good news! Then we talked vision: Would it return? Could it get worse? All good questions. The ED confirmed what I suspected: People do tend to get better and some vision back...that said, is it a case of "improvement or compensation"...I figured it was about 50/50 and ED agreed. People do get used to things and their bodies DO compensate for a loss of some sort. When my vitreous detached a year ago, I developed a black spot over the center of my eye. They told me essentially the same thing, and it is true. However, when you are the one in the middle of the situation, you have a hard time believing it possible, as does my DH. It is also hard to be a cheerleader to a skeptic. (I have been encouraging him to not focus on what he can't see, but what he CAN see). He can also start working that vision with puzzles/video games and the like. I see a monster forming! Old me: Honey, maybe you'll strain your eyes with so many video games to HONEY.PLAY THE GAMES NOW. AGAIN. AGAIN. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE TIRED.
The other MARVELOUS news is this: He still has enough range of vision to probably keep his driver's license!!!! Thank you God. That said. he will still not be able to drive for at least 4-6 weeks until his next evaluation. But again, it is the best case of the worst case scenario. As we get more news, we will update to let you know what is happening.
Now Part ll, Musings. I write this blog for therapy. I write this blog because others may learn from this. I am keeping it public, but not using names, because someone may stumble on it that is going through a serious illness and it may help. Please feel free to share it with someone who may be going through their own illness or that of a loved one. You are not alone.  As a mother, I have had 2 of my children go through horrible accidents. One of my husband's children has also had a serious illness. One of our grand daughters had a serious illness that will be ongoing.We have had two grand daughters born preemie, one a few weeks, another 2 months. When these things happen to your children or your children's children, you have a whole huge network of people to help. You have your partner/spouse, the other grandparents, etc. But when it happens to your partner/spouse, let me tell you, you are alone. I don't mean alone in the sense that people don't care: they do. They might provide phone calls/meals/cards etc, but when it comes down to it, you cannot expect people to drop their lives for you. You must drop the life you had, and start the life you now know. Life doesn't stop around you because of serious illness. You must still cook. You must still clean. You must still do laundry. Nothing has changed there. But now  you have to add into the mix: phone calls/appointments/driving/driving/driving/loss of a paycheck/depression/cheer leading/encouragement/special foods/labs/planning etc that can overwhelm you. Then add in the fact that you are still a mom and your kids still get sick (as did my son this morning which meant another fast trip to the doctor and more phone calls). It can be overwhelming! I have been a care taker for my m-i-l and b-i-l in their final illness. I know what caregiver burnout looks like. My own sweet hubby has trekked with me through two major surgeries, and a recent hospitalization as well as complications due to that. I watched him almost collapse trying to juggle work/the kids/my care. This is what our circle of friends looks like:

1. one couple has a hubby with not one but two heart transplants...I know how hard it is for her to juggle, but I apologize for not helping more.
2. one couple, the wife has lung cancer. Oh I have made the occasional meal and sent cards. But I apologize for not helping more.
3. my s-i-l has cancer, my brother (who has also had quadruple bypass)struggles with denial and she always did everything for their family. I apologize, etc.
4. another close friend's hubby was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I apologize.
5. another friend has breast cancer, and her husband joins in on walks, fund raisers. I apologize.
6.  a young cousin has had two bouts of breast cancer treatment, the first as a newlywed. I apologize.  
7. another couple, the husband has a heart condition and ended up in the hospital with multiple by-pass. I apologize.
8. another dear friend's husband has prostate cancer. I apologize.

I apologize to the person with the illness. I apologize to the caregivers for not sending you more cards and letters to uplift you. I apologize for not making you more meals/doing your laundry/running your errands. I am so sorry I have let you down. I am not typing this to get any sympathy or have you call me and beg to help, you already are. I am just pointing out that being a spouse/caregiver is a lonely road, and even if I don't tell you how magnificent you are for doing this, I feel it. You are my heroes/heroines. I realize that being the sick one is indeed a worse road, and as your caregivers we are honored to take care of you, so please do not think I am whining. I just want to acknowledge that those who work so tirelessly w/o complaining and take to heart those whispered words: In sickness...and in health. I am pretty much guessing this is where the "in sickness" part comes in....Save My Husband...