Scout's honor

 Today was the first of two days spent working on our son's Eagle project. At just 16, he is mature beyond his years in many ways (although just a goofy normal kid in other ways, thank goodness!) His project is to clean a cemetery of ivy that had grown willy-nilly and to clean headstones, long neglected, some from the mid 1800's. Of course not all the stones have been abandoned, some are far newer and obviously very loved and kept up by family as evidenced by flowers, both planted and cut, Christmas wreaths long past their prime and stones on Jewish graves placed in remembrance. some into the hundreds(!). So for those who don't know much about Eagle projects, normally about the age of 17 +, a Scout, having earned all their Eagle requirements (I think earning a minimum of 21 patches including specific Eagle track patches...and let me tell you, these are not given lightly. They work very very hard for those patches, some involving literally hours spent on studying, essays or record keeping and yes the fun stuff: swimming, archery, and the like) but as I said, after earning these and other involvements, leadership, volunteer, etc, they then plan and execute a project that takes many hours of planning, getting approval before a board, etc, THEN actually doing the project. The project they choose may not necessarily have them doing the actual work themselves, but the planning, assigning of tasks, and being in a supervisory position is a major part of the project.So his choice was cleaning this beautiful pioneer cemetery, where his uncle is buried. It is near a very busy freeway and also near its larger cousins: a gi-normous confluence of much larger and grander cemeteries that overshadow this one in the breadth and scope of their large-ness. Yet, this beautiful, simple cemetery sits amongst trees and is surrounded by houses on three sides. it is hidden away in a little pocket of what used to be country, I'm sure. We weren't sure how many would show up today, but let me tell you, I was astounded at how many did! Not only fellow Scouts (one former Scout came that was there because our son had worked on his own project) but friends and family. My brother and sister-in-law and my nephew came..a labor of love, she is dealing with cancer and honestly, I didn't expect her to work, but there she was, trimming ivy. My DH's eldest son (coincidentally himself an Eagle at age 16, now in his 30's) came, the Scout master and many other adult workers, a close family friend and her girls came, well I could go on and on.All told, today we put in over 85 people hours! Unbelievable! I am humbled once again. I don't think I can find the words to say thank you enough to those who took time out from their own busy schedule to help. Even my son's girlfriend came, this after making sandwiches to feed the crew. We were hoping to do this in a weekend, and it looks as if that will happen. thank you thank you thank you.

The following words ring true, for this was a labor of love on everyone's part...

 Scout Oath

On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

This is a headstone that was so buried under moss and mud it wasn't identifiable. After cleaning it, it made me cry. A baby girl, not even a year old, no doubt loved and cherished with the words written on it:
Thou art gone
Little sweet child of our love
From earth's fairy strand
to bright mansions above

I am happy that she will be remembered by people walking the path near her stone and know that she was someone's very loved child. Tomorrow, I will try and post some before and after pictures so you can share in this labor of love too.

 

Looking for Mr. Good (eyesight) Bar

Today was the day we were going to sleep in. Finally. No appointments in the wee hours, just hang out and relax. Phone rings. Of course. Isn't it always the WAY? On the other end of the phone was the Clinic for Eye-Training. "Can you be here in half an hour, we had a cancellation." Uh sure! It's only 11.72 inner-city miles one way, or 20- ish freeway miles another. Heck yeah we can do this! Jump in the shower! Jump into clothes! Grab some instant oatmeal (may I just say this, the new Quaker Oats in a container are rocking good, a little high in calories but super high in fiber, yum) Jump into the car! We were only about 15 minutes late and then...went to reach for my purse. It isn't there. I have just driven across town with no license. DH nearly has a little panic attack and thinks we should have a kid drive it to me. My brain is working overtime. I think "Ah c'mon, if I get pulled over, I can so talk my way outta this! I'll play the stroke card!" (This is our new joke...'playing the stroke card' to get out of something i.e. "No sorry PTA, I cannot bake 100 muffins for the teacher's thank you breakfast, my husband has had a stroke." SHAMELESS!) Now this is where I digress. Do you know people who long for the "good old days"? You know, the selective memories that people conjure up how awesome it was in years gone by? (obviously forgetting that there was War, Polio,Smallpox, etc) How they miss this or that? (okay, I do miss the 5 cent candy bars, I will grant you that) Well, I just want to go on record that I have a shameless love of TECHNOLOGY. I simply made a phone call to my daughter and she FAXED a copy of said driver's license to the Doctor's office. Love it love it love it.
Now back to the testing. DH spent about 90 minutes being tested and getting eye exercises, At the end, she called me back to learn how to help him in one exercise in particular, then told me to kind of watch it so he doesn't overdo. She said she sensed "He might be the type to go overboard." hahaha, she can read him like a book. DH is never happy to just "do" as that word is not actually in his vocabulary. It is always in the O section as in Over-do. So, add to this to my duties: Policewoman. I am learning new jobs every day.

"assiduus usus uni rei deditus et ingenium et artem saepe vincit" 
(M.Tullius Cicero).

(Constant practice devoted to one subject often outdoes both intelligence and skill)

Past few days

Having fully intended to spend our anniversary on Monday doing "stuff", we were waylaid by the fact that EVERY SINGLE MUSEUM IN THIS CITY IS CLOSED ON MONDAYS. But it was a gorgeous day and it called for a walk. We went to the Arboretum (which is NOT closed on Mondays, nor any other day: you go,  Mama Nature!) and walked and talked and just enjoyed being together, After that a lunch out and errands to run. Funny how life does not stop around us even as we feel like time has stopped. On Tuesday we went to see the dietician to see what can we be doing differently to not just prevent further damage, but improve the occluded arteries. We had watched a movie "Forks Over Knives" on the recommendation of several friends that touts a complete vegan lifestyle. (including no processed oils etc) While the documentary seemed extreme in some ways, it had a lot of good points to make, but looking for a balance is more in line with our beliefs. I am a vegetarian, but leaning heavily towards "veganist" since I cannot eat cow dairy, but I do eat eggs in moderation. The dietician was super nice, didn't really give us a whole lot of new info, but clarified things that we were questioning. Things like "Does DH have to give up his 3 cow a day habit?" Kidding on that one, but DH has been known to be an all or nothing kind of guy. He was thinking zero meat from now on (my ideal) vs some. We will settle for the "some", but the limit is this: No more than 3 oz of lean red meat/chicken breast/low-fat cheese a day. And that is total, as in cheese sandwich for lunch that =1 oz, then only 2 oz of meat that evening. I have been pushing him to do more and more veggies, their recommendation 4-5 cups a day, plus 4-5 servings of fruit i.e. small apple would be a serving etc.They also said zero egg yolks, but if we had to have them, no more than 3 a week.  All these are common sense of course, but my idea of good nutrition may be different. In any case, we will strive for a good balance. Meanwhile, I will stick with my "veganist" lifestyle, as I had amazing results with my cholesterol levels after no meat for the past few months. For instance, my cholesterol, which had been steadily climbing these past few years dropped from 185 (even that was from a high last year of over 200) to 145. LDL went from 113 to 71 and non-hdl went from 123 to 84. Ok, there might just be something to the whole "no-meat" thing. However, DH is not ready for that drastic of a change, though I think he is willing to give it his best shot, as we really want to aim for reversal, a healing, not a band-aid approach to just stop the bleeding, so to speak. We were encouraged that we were on the right track. However, this is the bone I want to pick. Seeing a dietician is NOT covered by insurance unless you are diabetic Now if you were an insurance company and you had people prone to stroke/heart attack/obesity, wouldn't you want to encourage them to eat more healthy to cut back on the medical bills? I know a lot about nutrition from years of study but I am not an expert by any means, nor no former schooling for it, but I feel as if we have a pretty good handle on good nutrition. Granted everywhere you look you see articles on what to eat, so you would think it second nature that people would get the message. But our country's obesity and disease numbers are scary. Granted some of those diseases are due to chemicals, smoking,drugs and so on blah blah blah, but how much healthier would we be if the way we ate changed? Oh I could go on and on and bore you silly. Preaching over, but just wondering. Well, I am thinking that in a few months we might see a change in DH's bloodwork and possibly the occlusion. Should that be the case, I will try very very hard to not say "I told ya so!" Zip the lip. Not look superior. Just smile. I know it is extremely hard to work against genetics, as DH's dad died at the age of 49 from heart disease, but his mum lived into her 90's. So there you go, it's a 50/50 crap shoot.
PS My blog title today was "the last few days" but that sounded incredibly pessimistic. We agreed that we are still aiming for our 50th wedding anniversary, which would make DH 100 years old, and me 42. Cool. Good thing he married a child bride, I just keep getting younger....Here's to at least 32 more years...he promised me!                                                           

The Banner

Everywhere around us, we see banners. Banners proclaiming this political agenda, banners promoting a product, silly banners, misspelled banners, earnest banners. So many things vying for attention. It can be so overwhelming, especially those digital banners that flash and annoy you with crazy graphics while you are driving. Today an old song we used to sing at church camp came into my head "I am my beloved's and he is mine, his banner over me is love" In the Song of Solomon, in the Old Testament,is  a beautiful love story of a man wooing a woman gently. Many scholars believe it is an allegory or a metaphor in the religious sense, but I am not getting into that. Those who know the story and the symbolism behind it don't need an explanation. Those who don't would just scratch their heads and say "huh?". What I want to focus on is that Banner. The Banner of Love. The actual verse reads : "He brought me to the banquet table, his banner over me is love." I picture a lovely dinner where the King places his beloved at the head of the table and a big banner proclaiming his love for her is flying overhead to let everyone know how he loves her, how he cherishes her, and how proud he is of her. In my life, I have never known such love and devotion as from my beloved DH. He is not a big expressive guy to others, but I know that somewhere flying above my head is a big banner proclaiming how much he loves me, and it is returned tenfold. To be his wife, his beloved, has been an honor and a privilege. To care for him, to help heal his hurts, is an honor I don't take for granted. He is my dearest friend, the joy of my life.


Saw a movie set in Ireland where the bride toasts the husband. I loved it and want to repeat it here for my DH on our anniversary:

 May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you.

An anniversary is so personal, yet so public! We had a small wedding with friends and family and the day was perfect. Happily it was a day as beautiful as this one. I look back on that day 18 years ago and think of those who shared it with us (or maybe you've been to one of the every "5th year weddings" we have had) and I think of whom we have lost and all we have shared. I miss our dear ones who have left us and we treasure each of you who have been responsible (still!)for holding us together, especially now.  Happy anniversary, my love.
The banner over us is LOVE.

Victims and Victors

Sometimes I read the obits, OK, I actually read them all the time. I skim them for names of people I know, I skim them for date of birth...Were they elderly? Did they live a long life? Were they tragically killed as a young person? Who did they leave behind? Sometimes when I read them, a personal note is written by the family or friends, that gives you a sense of the person they were in life. Often, there is a statement that might read "He/She fought valiantly against the (name the disease) but lost his/her battle after weeks/months/years of struggle. I have yet to read one that says "Upon hearing his diagnosis of (name the disease), Joey laid back and cried, preferring to hole up in his darkened room to vegetate."
It got me thinking of the word "victim". What a loaded word! (Victim of crime. Victim of cancer. Victim of a car accident. Don't be a victim! A victim is weak and whiny.) For fun I looked up the root word of victim, since it is close to a rather strong word that conjures up power: Victor.  Ha! Strangely enough, "victim" doesn't really have a "root"word but it comes from the Latin "victima: a beast used for sacrifice and "victus" that's right: To conquer. So strangely it seems that if you are a "victim" (of circumstances/disease etc.) you may also be a victor in those circumstances. We mostly hear the word "survivor" when looking for a word for a person who fights back from an illness or circumstance. You know the ones: They join groups, they march, they raise funds, they go before panels, they seek out help from the internet/referrals from people/networking. They are breathtaking in their quest to be that person who refuses to give up. We all admire a winner, do we not? BUT there are people who have an illness/disease etc that finally takes a toll on their body/psyche/spirit and they just don't want to fight anymore. Quality of life outweighs quantity of life. If you are close to that person and they make that decision, you have horrifying mixed emotions. You want your loved one to have a life with no pain or less suffering from the "cure" but the thought of losing them is so overwhelming you feel like a selfish pig. My dad had his first heart attack at age 52. He either wasn't a candidate for surgical intervention or chose not to; I have heard it was the latter, but I really don't know. What he DID do was change his lifestyle. He changed his diet, cutting out his beloved big ice cream bowl on Sunday night and subbing it for Rice Dream. He started becoming more active (hard to do when you have had polio), he also probably ate less fast food junk (again hard to do as a traveling salesman), but he did try to change as best he could. Along with medications etc. I think he did the best he could. However, he died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years later of a heart attack. Victor? Victim? Did he do everything he could have done? Shouldn't he have have had surgery to give himself more of a fighting chance?
Should someone with an "incurable" disease fight to the death with no hope to really prolong their life, or do what you can to live pain free in your last days? I don't know the answer. It is so personal to each person. My husband was the "victim" of a stroke. We have decided that we will do all that we can to restore our lives to those of "Victor", but there is only so much you can do. You cannot magically go into a person's brain to solder the dead spots and reconnect pathways. But as I have always believed "Focus on the cans not the cannots" So we work towards that goal with the means we have. We CAN eat healthier. We CAN exercise more. We CAN make sure meds are taken. We CAN research/network to find out what works and what doesn't. We CAN support one another when the times get tough. We CAN rely on friends and family if we need to (ok, that one is tough...) What we CANNOT do, is nothing. Like a candidate running for office, you have to believe you will win. If you start a race thinking you are gonna lose, you already have. Will the changes we make in our lives have any bearing on longevity? Who really knows? Not one single person on this planet has a guarantee of long life. But you can live the finest life you can in the moments you have.As someone pointed out to me whose husband has a serious illness: "You know I could get hit by a car on the way to taking him to the hospital."
So the choice is clear: Live like a winner or live like you've already been defeated. That is the difference between victim and victor.

Joyful in all things

We got a call from close friends who live a couple of hours from us, who wanted to make the trip down to just BE THERE for us. No pressure, no entertaining on our part, just BE HERE. I cannot possibly articulate what that has meant for us. We had a lovely lovely day of visiting, lunch out, a trip to see the cemetery where our son is doing his Eagle project next weekend, laughter, setting up Netflix. I know, it sounds run-of-the mill, but it was anything but that. It meant so very much to us to not feel adrift in the sea of despair, but along comes a raft, no a yacht really, with an "all hands on deck!" rescue. We felt loved, protected, cherished that someone took time out of their very busy lives to throw us a life preserver. Once again, I am humbled that they came down. I have tried in the past to describe "joy" to someone. It isn't reliant on happiness, but it is deeper than that. I can have a crappy day full of the day to day stuff that clogs the works, yet still feel that intrinsic joy that is unexplainable. Today was filled with joy, not just that we woke up, but that we recognize we are not alone. There is love surrounding us even in the dark moments. I hope I can give that back someday to someone who is walking through the fire. To B&B: you turned on a light that warmed our souls...To give of yourself is really the greatest gift of all.

Going to the eye wizard, err... doctor

Well, having spent a good amount of time at the new doctor's office (this is the one that we were referred to by a friend of a friend) I am now humbled once again. I am astounded at the series of miracles (I refuse to say coincidences) that culminated in this visit. Here are just some of the miracles:

1. We know the gentleman who works there from Scouts, however, we didn't know him well enough to call him up and "happen" to tell him of the stroke.
2. We DID tell our close friend who happens to be a close friend of #1
3. The doctor was booked out for many weeks, then a cancellation for the end of May showed up.
4. Got a call y'day saying: We had a cancellation for tomorrow (today: Friday), you are on the highest priority, can you make it? (uh, yeah!)
5. The Twitch Doctor (little joke) knew DH's regular eye doc and the neuro-ophthalomologist personally and was able to get some of the records ahead of time.
6. The entire staff was so accommodating and kind
7. The Doctor has been treating brain injured/stroke patients for 30 years in renewing their vision
8. Not only did he say there is hope for DH's vision, BUT in redoing some of the crucial tests, there was shown marked improvement in his field of vision! OK, the other things may look like coincidence to the skeptics, but you cannot deny the miracle of seeing better than only two weeks ago. In fact, in one of his studies, the doctor is convinced that DH's brain has created a new pathway, around the dead tissue. We are humbled to say the least. I just had to share this latest news, because I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. He will now begin the extensive studies that are required to start him on an exercise plan that will be tailored to his particular vision field. 

 Your prayers started a chain that still amazes me. They started a chain going we would never have dreamed possible... Rich to John to Jody to Dr. Bruce W.
If we were writing a movie script, no one would believe it.
Many years ago, we were on our family's cabin cruiser. Oh how my dad loved boats and other toys. I have no idea how long we had had the boat, but this one day we decided to take it out...I believe I was about 9 at the time. It was a nice day and all my brothers and sisters were there, all but one younger than me. We somehow hit a submerged log and it tore a hole in the hull and we started sinking. I remember my mom (who had a famous  two-finger LOUD whistle) was trying to get someone's attention and we were waving and yelling. I remember daddy putting us into life jackets and he was using the canned horn to call for help. I remember being so frightened! Honestly, people were waving back at us, and not really listening to our pleas for help...then I remember a vessel of some kind (I seem to recollect it was a Coast Guard boat) but it had grappling hooks on it and immediately gripped us and prevented us from sinking, then getting us to shore. Our SOS and cries for help were ignored by some, but answered by the ones who had the power to save us. Have you ever heard a cry for help from someone and were either able to help or steer them to help? Or maybe you have been that person who has cried for help and got the help you needed? I have been on both sides and realize that you have to be tuned in to hear and sensitive to help. DH told me it is hard to ask for help, yet easy to help others. Now he knows that it is a blessing for someone else to help him as he has helped others before him.Don't you feel blessed when you are able to help? Let me tell you, I am learning to ask, but know that someday we will pass it on.

--

“Blessed are those who give without remembering. And blessed are those who take without forgetting.”

Bernard Meltzer 

 

O-mama-care, O-wifey-care, O-me-oh-my care

We saw a social worker y'day to try and work out our new normal. She talked to us about the grieving process, which I had already recognized, since we have experienced a lot of death in our family. I looked up online some "grief" websites and there were varying forms of grief stages: 7, 5, 3. What the heck? Does this mean that there are so many aspects that they couldn't box them in a neat container? I personally think there are at least a thousand steps of grief. Grief is so personal, so painful, so different for everyone. But thought I would print these for you. Maybe you have experienced a loss too, not necessarily a death per se, but the death of the life you once had planned.

Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
 
7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. 

Then there was this one: 3 stages: short and sweet
Numbness
Disorganization
Reorganization
For gosh sakes, now I find out that I've been middle-stage grieving my entire life! Disorganization is my hallmark. Whooppee! I have learned to accept this and move on.
All joking aside, one thing the social worker told us is to accept what is and move forward with that knowledge i.e. OK to grieve, but recognize it. Fortunately, we are both pretty good at bouncing back. Well, I am, I just have to lovingly place that in my DH's brain. With a 2x4. I realize that I have always been the cheerleader. In fact, I have been called on this on many occasions. Not sad enough. Not serious enough. Do I even have normal feelings? Let me tell you, I hurt like I have never hurt before in my life. But I will be damned if I let this rule my life or color my world. I once asked my sweet younger brother who lives with macular degeneration how does he do it. His answer? "There are so many people who are worse off than me". You gotta love that. I am so grateful this isn't worse. I am so grateful that my DH is here to laugh with me and muddle through this. We muddle together. I can't stop being a mom, a wife, or me because the cogs in the wheel got bent. So they don't altogether mesh as much as we would like. Gonna make some new cogs to turn. You can't cry over broken. 
Speaking of broken, the eye doc that specializes in stroke patient's loss of vision? they bumped us up to tomorrow instead of late next month. Gosh, I hate to think someone got sick and can't make that appointment. Drat. Oh well, I will just look at it as another miracle and be thankful for it. 
Life is sweet, even when you are eating sour dill pickles. 

Just a reminder:
Note: The national stroke association has the Act FAST response to a stroke:
*F*ace: Ask the person to smile, does one side droop?
*A*rms: Ask them to raise both arms, does one side drift downward?
*S*peech: Ask them to repeat a sentence. Can they do so correctly without slurring?
*T*ime: If you suspect someone is having a stroke, get them to a hospital ASAP! You have a limited amount of time before the effects of a stroke are irreversible!
LET ME BE CLEAR: I WANT TO ADD THIS IMPORTANT SIGN, NOT MENTIONED. IF SOMEONE LOSES PARTIAL SIGHT SUDDENLY, THIS IS A COMMON SIGN OF STROKE. I wasn't thinking of this immediately, even though in my heart I knew that DH had had a stroke. It isn't a sign that you normally hear about. Be informed, be aware, trust your instincts.








 

Incidents and Coincidences

Ahh, each day brings more happenings. There are happenings that are GOOD, some are SO-SO, and some downright AMAZING.
Let's start with the first. DH had an appointment today to remove a skin thing that we had known about since last month. Since it was near his work, I encouraged him to stop in and he was surrounded by love and warmth both from co-workers and students. Obviously he was missed, and I think it was therapeutic to feel how needed and loved he is. I do believe he will be able to help make the transition easier for the changeover, but this way it is gradual, not just in-yo-face-I'm-outta-here. No one wants to believe they are replaceable, and it was good to know that everyone recognizes that he's the go-to dude in the subject he teaches. The so-so happening? Middle daughter's windshield suddenly cracked w/o warning, so we had someone over to replace today. Yay! Except the tech broke windshield #2 as he finished putting it in. Daughter came running in with the news, but told us they couldn't get another out today, but that "he wouldn't charge us." Oh, now that's a relief. We don't have to pay for TWO broken windshields. I started laughing hysterically. I mean really? There was a question we might have to pay for the broken windshield?
Now happening number 3: Son needs to renew his CPR/AED/First Aid card. He is 16. Red Cross does not allow someone under 17 do the class. (a very specific type, not the regular one that younger people can take) I spent at least an hour on the phone until they agreed to  make an exception. Whew! There was no way we could get this done after he turns 17, as he needed the card to work as a Life Guard one day after his birthday. The kindness of strangers, thank you Terri of the American Red Cross International. We may donate blood in your honor. She signed him up for a class 2 weeks shy of his birthday.
Happening number 4: And this is where AMAZING comes in. I will now point out that I do not believe in coincidences. I want to make that clear. This  man (John) who hired our son for employment at Scout Camp for the summer is a genuinely nice guy. We didn't really know a lot about him outside the Scout realm, but were very impressed by his exceptional organization skills and his communication to us, the parents, concerning our kids who would be working there this summer. Another close dear friend works with him and happened to mention DH's stroke and vision loss. So John, upon hearing this story says that in his day job he works for a physician who works with people who have lost vision due to stroke/brain injury etc to help retrain them to see better. I am astounded. Who knew? This "chance" encounter/relating of a story resulted in us getting an appointment with the physician for next month. Hope springs eternal! I don't believe in coincidences, but I do believe in miracles and all of today just felt like a miracle. From the "we make no exceptions!" to "Let's see what we can do" to the "hey, I work for the guy who helps people see" Well, I just want to go on record to say, I am humbled once again, by the miracles around us and the people who surround us.

Promises and Compromises

We had a good weekend full of sunshine, highly unusual in our Pacific NW spring climate. We spent Saturday starting our son's Eagle project. His project is sprucing up a much loved, very old (started in the 1800's) cemetery. It is the cemetery where his Uncle is buried so it seemed like a good fit. This was a short fact finding day, the big project comes in two weeks. We will be pulling ivy, cleaning grave sites, and a general cleaning of the grounds. I was touched by the sentiments expressed on some of the headstones to someone's loved one. It brought to mind my own wedding vows. I know it is wonderful to write your own vows, and we did some of that, but we opted for the traditional ones as well. I once heard someone say (a man) that he appreciates those traditional vows because when he goes to a wedding with his wife, it reminds him of his vows to her and he often repeats them alongside the bride and groom quietly to reaffirm his love and devotion. My DH and I got married late in life...guess it took us awhile to find each other. I won't go into the details of our first marriages, they just didn't work out for myriad reasons. That didn't make either of us more skittish of a second go round; in fact we were so eager, we could hardly wait. You often hear the term 'soul mate' thrown around, but there is no doubt that we are bound together by an unbreakable force. His love and devotion to me and our family is something you rarely see. I love him so fiercely that it makes my heart ache. In any case, as I was saying, we got married late in life, so as a fun and lovely way to celebrate our togetherness, we have a wedding every 5 years. We find some way to reaffirm our vows in different ways. On the 5th, it was Las Vegas, pure cheese and fun, the 10th in front of friends and family, and the 15th was pure down home red neck wedding celebration with everyone dressed for the part. Including a good friend, a minister dressed in overalls and carrying shotgun shells. Well, we are coming up on our 18th in a week or so. I said to my DH, do you want to get married again this time instead of waiting until our 20th? I am thinking the worst, that we won't be together for our 20th, but he gently said, "No, I want something to look forward to." and of course I felt ashamed that I am worried, but in my defense, I just really wanted to celebrate life, celebrate him, celebrate us.

I take you , to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

 I take these vows to heart. We have been through so much, loss of family and friends, the accidents and medical emergencies that have befallen us or the children, yet, here we are, standing with each other, holding each other up when the other is too weak to stand. "Tying the knot" sounds constricting and painful, yet it is not a thick hemp scratchy rope, but a silken ribbon that joins our hearts together. It is like a beautiful bow on a gift that finishes off the package inside. It is a joy to wake up every day to this man that holds my heart. Happy almost anniversary...For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, from that sweet day 18 years ago forward for many more years . He did promise me we would dance together at our 50th; I am holding him to that. The compromises have been few, now we have to make a few more as we struggle to make this next phase work. I told him he is still the head of this household, that hasn't changed, I am here to help and support, but he is the CEO, the CFO, the IDK/IDC (jokingly the "I don't know, and I don't care") I am his equal partner, but happily take the role of aide-de-camp. I can't let him forget that he is the most important part of our world. We have this saying that he is the glue that holds the family together, and I am the glue gun that pushes it all along.

Love binds us, love heals us, love holds us together when everything is falling apart. 

This is another week of appointments and hopefully not DISappointments. We look forward to the day when he can see clearly (literally and figuratively) once again so we can start to rebuild what was lost.

Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things. (unknown)

A friend is one you choose to be in your life. How often have you heard that? A friend is a gift you give yourself. Another pithy saying, Sometimes "friends" are a loose term. There are friends who are really acquaintances: you might know them from work, then you leave the job and *POOF* they are gone. There are friends who you meet and hit it off and think you will be best buds forever, then you grow apart, lose touch, and feel sad, but you move on. Then there are friends who would die for you. The ones who you can call on at 3 AM and say "help!" and they are there. We are blessed to have friends (and family) who are like that. The neighbor that hugs you when you cry and says "we are there for you." and really really means it. The BFF that you can call at a moment's notice and you say "Can I come over?" and they drop everything and say "yes! of course" and you can cry and laugh and get words of wisdom because They Have Been There and still ARE there, dealing with serious illness, yet, they spend their precious time to surround you with love. These are the million little things that define true friendship that really surpasses any dictionary meaning. It is deep and abiding. Of course I am including family, not just people you aren't "related" to. Case in point: when I called cousins that are hundreds of miles away to tell them of DH's stroke, their first response was: "we can pack the car and be up there in hours;' You have no idea what this means to us.
Yesterday marked one week since the snake slithered into our lives and truly we could not have made it without our nearest and dearest loving us, praying for us, holding us. There are no words whatsoever to thank you for your open hearts and open arms. The bittersweet side of this painful time has brought us so much joy knowing we are not alone and love can heal even the deepest of wounds.
Week 2: Here we come, watch out, we're ready. Relatively...

Beastly things, scars, and lemonade

There are wild beasts that roam amongst us. There are the beasts that constantly prey on your mind, making you second guess yourself or chewing away at your security. You know the kind: you wake in the middle of the night, you don't hear the soft snore beside you and so the beast of panic rears its ugly head. You reach over and gently touch your partner to feel their breath or feel them stir. There is another beast inside. If you leave the house alone, even briefly, you panic when you hear a siren. You panic when you call home "to check" and there is no answer for several rings. You panic when the house is quiet when you walk in. All of those beasts, chewing,  growling, pawing, snorting trying to get a foothold in your already over-tired over-taxed brain. You try not to feed them, you try to keep them at bay with happy thoughts and good cheer, but somehow...they keep coming. Learning to live with the beasts and acknowledging them might be easier than eradicating them. I will work on taming those monsters. Now a beast of another kind. I drove DH's beloved Beast! He has had his Yukon Denali for 2 1/2 year and I refused to drive this monster. I like my mini-van and I like the Miata he has had for 21 years (that incidentally, you could put into the back of the Beast) But I could not bring myself to drive the Beast.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt said this and I took it to heart. We had a long-standing appt to take the Beast in today to have an oil change etc, and DH wanted to cancel it. I honestly thought, sure, probably a good idea. But then I thought of all the women who have blazed a trail before me (including DH's elderly aunt who drove a mean 40 foot traveling behemoth motor home for years as her hubby was physically unable to, so they could travel the country together) Well, alrighty then. I tamed that beast and I am honestly thinking "Why have I never done this before???" OK, so I may never parallel park that sucker, but I can drive it. Not as good as DH, but passable.

Scars: We have so many scars in our lives. I bet you can look at an old cut or scrape and see the faint lines that don't quite have the same color on your skin. It no longer hurts, yet, you remember the pain, and remember not to be so careless next time with a knife. Maybe you have scars on your soul that are seared into your memory. Someone said something to you that hurt so badly, it makes you ache. Maybe you've lost a loved one and even though time heals your broken heart, the scar remains. Quite a few weeks ago, I nicked a finger with a knife and it cut into the nail bed. I bandaged it after cleaning, but it looked wicked. Then gradually, the nail started to peel, and I was terrified to lose the nail, because when it breaks far below the top of your finger, well, you know how badly it can hurt. So I continued to bandage it, then put super glue under it to keep the nail intact. Everyday, I babied that injury until one day, the nail got long enough to where it could come off w/o pain. Then a funny thing happened. The nicked part of the skin (which I was ignoring, as the nail was causing so much pain) came in, nice and pink, repairing itself. No worries. Shortly after that, it developed a hard, blood-blister looking thing that looked nasty. I was so surprised, because it had been doing so well. So this morning, the icky thick skin started peeling off, revealing the healthy skin underneath. So here is the lesson I learned. Sometimes when we "baby" a small hurt, the real damage is being done because we are ignoring the base reason. We need to look at the whole picture and repair the underlying damage, not just what you can see, but what you can't. Has someone hurt you? Is it causing you damage, even though the initial hurt is gone? Get it fixed. Peel back the layers and let the new skin of a healed psyche start fresh.

Lemonade. Last night I was so thirsty. I mean to the point of crawling on the floor looking for the oasis. I go to the pantry, pull out those nice individual packs for water, fill my glass and start to drink a thirst quenching lemonade. It was so sweet! I was gagging! I am thinking, maybe I didn't do 16 oz? I keep dumping water, and adding more to dilute. Too late I realized my mistake: I had used the 2 qt packet for the single glass of water. Blech!!! Horrible!!!! Lesson learned: sometimes too much sweetness is a very terrible thing.  Life is still a balance, is it not? We crave sweetness, but unless the tart balances it out, it is too awful. We need character building hurdles to appreciate the smooth pathways.

Part l Doctor Visit/ Part ll: Musings

First off, the doctor visit. You may recall that somehow (in the miracles do happen slot) the neuro-ophthalmologist  (let's call him Eye Doc: easier to spell) fit DH in on a very tight time frame yesterday. THEY kept apologizing to US for the wait during the appt. We both are so grateful that he was seen at all as this is the Dude-who-will-decide-if-DH-drives again. They performed many many tests on him. We also got to see his MRI live in black and white and could see where a part of the blockage was missing in his artery that sent it on its merry little way up the 1-5 corridor of his brain, lodging in the occipital lobe, causing the vision loss. Wow, the brain is a breathtaking blob of bifurcated bliss. (I have no idea where that description came from in my own brain). We got to see what looked like the biggest scariest snake-like white spot that lodged there...hiss. Then the Eye Guy says: "Well, it is small and this was a relatively small stroke." As I am looking at that snake-like thing, I am wondering "What does a BIG one look like??? Is this an earthworm size? an asp? "  Because to me it looked like one of those boas,not the cute feathery kind around your neck but the ones that dropped down out of the tree in the old Tarzan movies, crushing the poor guy unlucky enough to be underneath. So hey, this WAS good news! Then we talked vision: Would it return? Could it get worse? All good questions. The ED confirmed what I suspected: People do tend to get better and some vision back...that said, is it a case of "improvement or compensation"...I figured it was about 50/50 and ED agreed. People do get used to things and their bodies DO compensate for a loss of some sort. When my vitreous detached a year ago, I developed a black spot over the center of my eye. They told me essentially the same thing, and it is true. However, when you are the one in the middle of the situation, you have a hard time believing it possible, as does my DH. It is also hard to be a cheerleader to a skeptic. (I have been encouraging him to not focus on what he can't see, but what he CAN see). He can also start working that vision with puzzles/video games and the like. I see a monster forming! Old me: Honey, maybe you'll strain your eyes with so many video games to HONEY.PLAY THE GAMES NOW. AGAIN. AGAIN. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE TIRED.
The other MARVELOUS news is this: He still has enough range of vision to probably keep his driver's license!!!! Thank you God. That said. he will still not be able to drive for at least 4-6 weeks until his next evaluation. But again, it is the best case of the worst case scenario. As we get more news, we will update to let you know what is happening.
Now Part ll, Musings. I write this blog for therapy. I write this blog because others may learn from this. I am keeping it public, but not using names, because someone may stumble on it that is going through a serious illness and it may help. Please feel free to share it with someone who may be going through their own illness or that of a loved one. You are not alone.  As a mother, I have had 2 of my children go through horrible accidents. One of my husband's children has also had a serious illness. One of our grand daughters had a serious illness that will be ongoing.We have had two grand daughters born preemie, one a few weeks, another 2 months. When these things happen to your children or your children's children, you have a whole huge network of people to help. You have your partner/spouse, the other grandparents, etc. But when it happens to your partner/spouse, let me tell you, you are alone. I don't mean alone in the sense that people don't care: they do. They might provide phone calls/meals/cards etc, but when it comes down to it, you cannot expect people to drop their lives for you. You must drop the life you had, and start the life you now know. Life doesn't stop around you because of serious illness. You must still cook. You must still clean. You must still do laundry. Nothing has changed there. But now  you have to add into the mix: phone calls/appointments/driving/driving/driving/loss of a paycheck/depression/cheer leading/encouragement/special foods/labs/planning etc that can overwhelm you. Then add in the fact that you are still a mom and your kids still get sick (as did my son this morning which meant another fast trip to the doctor and more phone calls). It can be overwhelming! I have been a care taker for my m-i-l and b-i-l in their final illness. I know what caregiver burnout looks like. My own sweet hubby has trekked with me through two major surgeries, and a recent hospitalization as well as complications due to that. I watched him almost collapse trying to juggle work/the kids/my care. This is what our circle of friends looks like:

1. one couple has a hubby with not one but two heart transplants...I know how hard it is for her to juggle, but I apologize for not helping more.
2. one couple, the wife has lung cancer. Oh I have made the occasional meal and sent cards. But I apologize for not helping more.
3. my s-i-l has cancer, my brother (who has also had quadruple bypass)struggles with denial and she always did everything for their family. I apologize, etc.
4. another close friend's hubby was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I apologize.
5. another friend has breast cancer, and her husband joins in on walks, fund raisers. I apologize.
6.  a young cousin has had two bouts of breast cancer treatment, the first as a newlywed. I apologize.  
7. another couple, the husband has a heart condition and ended up in the hospital with multiple by-pass. I apologize.
8. another dear friend's husband has prostate cancer. I apologize.

I apologize to the person with the illness. I apologize to the caregivers for not sending you more cards and letters to uplift you. I apologize for not making you more meals/doing your laundry/running your errands. I am so sorry I have let you down. I am not typing this to get any sympathy or have you call me and beg to help, you already are. I am just pointing out that being a spouse/caregiver is a lonely road, and even if I don't tell you how magnificent you are for doing this, I feel it. You are my heroes/heroines. I realize that being the sick one is indeed a worse road, and as your caregivers we are honored to take care of you, so please do not think I am whining. I just want to acknowledge that those who work so tirelessly w/o complaining and take to heart those whispered words: In sickness...and in health. I am pretty much guessing this is where the "in sickness" part comes in....Save My Husband...

And a big hand for the little lady...

Just wanted to mention that so many have gone out of their way to check on us, send email to DH, a quick text, some HOME MADE VEGGIE BURGERS...and you know who you are, that I just wanted to acknowledge that. Also, our d-i-l who has walked thru the fire with her own daughter's serious illness, has had some incredibly kind and uplifting words to keep us going. Her insight humbles me. Even though we have been thru very tough times with kids' serious accidents, and many, many friends and family members' very serious illnesses, it is always hard to face the unknown. I also firmly believe that sometimes you walk through crap because you might help someone along the way later. Trying to remember that this is not a singular sport, but a team effort, helps keep me sane. Bless you all. I am so humbled.

Keeping up the humor

If you know my DH, even slightly, you know he is a jokester. His dry sense of humor and poker face comments have you constantly wondering "Huh? Is that a joke? Was he serious?" and then you see the twinkle...and know you have been had. So now, we get to get him back. With his right vision now gone, I asked him "So, if I stand on your right side, do you see only one butt cheek, or just a thinner butt overall?" Knowing the correct answer is imperative here men, so yes, he passed the test.
My DH does not want a dog due to our son's allergies and this has been an ongoing joke in the family. The kids one by one over the years have commented at various times "Mom, can we get a dog?" So I joke back and say "Sure, but Daddy has to move out." So that usually brings the laughs. But the middle kid says to DH "So does this mean we can get a dog?" He cracked up. Then tonight, we are sitting at dinner, and he is doing his famous glum-hands-stroking-head motion that he does when he is deep in thought. He's looking straight ahead, and I am off to the side (on his right) and I start sticking my tongue at him and making silly faces. Absolutely zero response. So I keep doing it. I figure I can now mock my DH and get away with it. All of sudden he starts laughing and says "Yeah, I see you, but I'm trying to keep a straight face." Yup, you get humor where you can get it.
So you know where the women-folk panic a bit when hubby retires? Well, that's gotta be doubled when it is a sudden unforeseen forced retirement. I mean the dude does not know what to do with himself all of a sudden. Now, if this was a PLANNED retirement time frame, my DH would be doing his hobby: building ANYTHING. Or at the gym. Or going to the Museum. Or going to movies which we love. Sadly, some of those favorite things need to be put on hold for the time being. So...what does he do? He gets up, goes to the hot tub (now unfortunately supervised, another independence bites the dust) then eats breakfast, then...goes to lay down and take a nap. Now having been incredibly familiar with grief and the need to curl up into a ball, I recognized that this was a flash point. I need to seize the man up by his boot straps (or in this case by his slip-on shoes) and get his behind out of the house and the need to wallow. I know about wallow. I know it is several times harder to get up when you have wallowed too long. I used to lead a Weight Watcher meeting and I know when a person has a mishap, if you wallow too long, you are almost always destined to repeat the behavior. So...I went over to my DH, pulled the blankies back, got into his sweet face, this man I adore, and said "Get your butt up, we're going for a walk!" So, he gives me his trademark sheepish grin, and says "OK, let's go!"
I felt like we turned a corner...but the left side, we're not ready for a right turn yet...

Another Day, another doctor

We were fortunate in getting DH (for those in the "not know" this stands for dear hubby) in to see his primary care physician on Monday. Good news/bad news, isn't that always the way? Good news: He has seen "plenty" of people recover at least partial sight. He also has patients who live with an occluded artery for "twenty years". The inquisitor in me said to him" "So is it like when you lose a fallopian tube/ovary and it migrates to the other side to take over?" This was surprisingly not as flippant as it sounded. It really does regenerate new pathways when the dam gets clogged apparently. A body can be a marvelous thing. Bad news: no work for a month at least, however, I am taking this to mean he is not going back. He already had retired, but as happens sometimes to very brilliant men who take all the weight of the world on their shoulders, he was rehired and working full time in his teaching job. So I called the director this morning to give her the not so good news for her...needing to replace him, much sooner than expected. This was not how he saw his graceful easing out to the pasture. We had a specific time frame...son finish high school next year, off to college, we would travel the world or maybe to Mars: his favorite planet. Now, we might have to rethink that Mars trip. I am thinking those G-Forces may do more harm than good. And just getting there would take at least 214 earth days, add the exploratory tour, back another 214 days...well you're looking at a pretty long commitment. It's not like our Vegas trips where we can be in and out in a week and feel like its been a month (can you say over-stimulation? Bells, whistles,lights, action!) But I digress. So back to the doctor: Suddenly, you realize there are all kinds of services you never knew you needed and wish you never did. Nutritionists! Social Workers! Therapists of all kinds and every flavor to help in your journey. My DH is such a private person, he doesn't "share" like his gabby wife. I think he thinks this is the natural order of things. However, when I told him I would be going to every appt with him, he sweetly said "I was actually hoping you would." I am really trying hard not to "baby" him. He is still perfectly capable of doing most things. But I walk a fine line: If I act concerned, I risk emasculating. If I act unconcerned, he might think I don't care...and that is the furthest thing from the truth. More good news! I called his insurance to ask about his meds. The doc had written a scrip for 90 days, which = a mail order pharmacy which = a much lower price which =a possible long wait. Well, his insurance assured me I could get the 90 day scrip from a local pharmacy much much quicker obviously than waiting for the mail order and in a timid voice I asked them what might it cost for that 90 days? I almost got hysterical with laughter when she said "five-o-two" . Ok, we can do this, I mean what is 500$ when a man's life is at stake? Then...she clarified. $5.02. Too funny! I think we can swing that, except the retailer in me is thinking "two cents??? why the two cents?" Well, now I am thinking this will be the new metaphor for our new normal: Putting in my two cents as always. The nagging wife bringing nagging to new heights! Love you all. Oh and PS the neuro-ophthalmologist called and they can get him him tomorrow! Not next week, not June but tomorrow! Other good news, I am learning to spell new words! Who would think "ophthalmologist"would have so many h's and l's?

Lions and Tigers and Bears and....Snakes

Why does everything seem so compressed? My brain feels like mush as I try and coordinate all the little details that need attention. I realize how much I rely on my DH. I know everyone says that, especially after an incident, but I mean I REALLY rely on him. My DH has the heart of a LION. He goes out for the hunting and gathering to bring it back for the cubs and his mate. He works so many hours to assure we have a beautiful home, food on the table, cars in the garage. We have always had a joke about boy jobs and girl jobs. He takes care of pretty much everything outside the door, I try to take care of everything inside the door. Coming from a modern feminist woman, I'm sure that would frazzle the sensibilities of a lot of people. But it works well for us. I love making our home beautiful, I love cooking, I love decorating. Most of all, I love to spoil my DH and our kids and grandkids. They are my world. When I quit work a few years ago, I was flailing about thinking "what am I gonna do now?" DH said "Pamper me!" which I admit, I love doing. He is a TIGER: protecting us from predators and the boogey man. How he makes us feel loved. he is always there, the guiding light, the calm one, but the one who will fight to the death for his family. He is a BEAR, specifically a Koala, a cuddly, sweet, loving man who treats his wife like gold, who makes her feel like she is the most precious thing that ever walked the face of the earth. Ha. The joke is on him...He is so loved by so many and I can never repay him for all his love and care. I know he is worried about losing his independence. I get that. Who wants to think their driving days may be over? Who wants to think they must suddenly possibly quit work? Certainly no one, but it is a privilege to be able to care for him as he has lovingly cared for us. It is not a burden, it is a joy. However, the hardest thing is to try and disguise it: Don't let him know I'm being a control freak.
Now about the SNAKE. I remember many years ago listening to the story of the Garden of Eden. The person relating the story made the comment that a lot of yucky things seem to have a "hiss" to them. Ssslither. Sssneaky. Sssnake. Now add another thing to that: Ssstroke. This sneaky slithery snaky thing that has attacked my DH's brain crept up and took over. When we are traveling in the desert areas, there are many warning signs about snakes: "when hiking, watch for cool, rocky areas where a snake might lie"  "Stay back if you see a coiled snake ready to strike." There should be warning signs attached to fatty foods, sodium, your couch: "Eating this, ingesting that, or laying about on this might cause severe health issues that may strike w/o warning...be aware!" We hear it so often: Diet, Exercise, lower sodium, lower stress, blah blah blah, but then that slithery snake hits w/o warning and we think instantly: "oops, didn't do enough! what was I thinking?" Well, sometimes no matter what you do, no matter how you prepare, that sneaky snake comes slithering into your lives and you just have to buck up and do damage control. I want to figure out how to stop the bleeding and how to heal the wounds of the nasty snake bite. I love you sweetheart, my Koala.

The days after

The next day while in the hospital he had more tests. The best news we got in the last 24 hours was that his echo cardiogram was really great. His heart was healthy! Unfortunately the highways going to his brain from his heart are as clogged as rush hour traffic on I-5. The used to be treatment (almost automatically) was an endarterectomy, the old reaming out of the arteries, like a stiff fuzzy brush in a baby bottle.
 Now, not so much...it has its own risks, such as releasing cholesterol to other parts of the body i.e. the brain, which is probably why he had this stroke in the first place.
I think DH is feeling like a time bomb. Ticking ticking ticking.
We are thankfully released to go home, with the usual: dietary changes, a new medicine, admonishments to watch for other signs of another "incident",blah blah blah. All I want them to do is stick a straw in his neck and suck it out. Make him all better. Please please please oh God, make him better.
The next day is Easter, we had plans to have the kids/grandkids over. He wants that to happen still.
We arrive home. It is a hard night. New things to worry about. Ticking.Ticking. Ticking. I try very hard to be "normal", but when he leaves the room for whatever reason, I want to follow him, stay with him, stalk him, see that he is still here.
His snoring is the sweetest music I have ever heard.
Having the kids over the next day is one of the sweetest days ever. We had a great day, yet it was hard to explain especially to the little kids not to stand on his right side, but make sure they spoke so he knew they were there. They know something is wrong, but it was still a good day, fairly normal, except I am looking at him with more scrutiny, peering at him, asking him if he needed anything. In short, driving him nuts. I told him, this pampering will last for about a week, so enjoy it. I swear to myself I will try to be normal and not drive him nuts, but I am lying to myself. Ticking ticking ticking. How can I make this sound go away?
After the kids leave (at least the ones who have their own families...we still have three at home) I set up a notebook of All Things Medical. Every form, every note, every business card. This will become our new friend and accompany us to each and every appointment. It will sit by the door to remember to grab as we carry our brains in a white book with plastic pages that we fill up with pieces of ephemera that will now define our lives. I start a blog. I realize it is the only way I can communicate (I do a blog for another friend dealing with serious illness who got exhausted with trying to update people it has helped her keep in touch w/o calling everyone) I know that people do love us, people care, people want to help, but it is hard to make/receive phone calls/texts/emails over and over.  I love technology, I can make one update and instantly people will know what is happening. What did they do a hundred years ago? Hmmm, I think I will start telegraphing this dit dit dit dah dah dah dit dit dit  which is the internationally recognized SOS. I think I will change it: dit dit dit dah dah dit dit dit dit: SMH: Save My Husband.

And so the journey begins....

On April 6th, I sat to breakfast with my dear husband. We had planned on eating quickly and heading out to an appointment that morning. I looked at him as he sat down and I realized his right eye looked odd. It looked to me as if he had a glass eye...like he wasn't seeing me. I immediately told him that I didn't like the looks of it and started doing the standard questions: Smile for me! What is today? Do you feel numb anywhere? Do you have a headache? Well as it turns out, he smiled fine, he wasn't slurring words, but he could not clearly visualize on the right eye's peripheral vision...and he had a severe headache. I demanded we go to the hospital. He, guy like, said he was fine and we needed to keep our appt. I was not happy. We drove to our appt (I drove...he thought he shouldn't, this should have been a major flag that all was not well, he loves driving) When we got to our appt, he seemed fine, but during appt he started asking a certain question time after time within minutes of each other. I started to panic. I caught the other person's eye and I could tell she sensed something was wrong. She left the room for something and I made a call to his eye doctor and they said they could fit him in. He spoke with the eye doc to describe the issues; meanwhile, I feel like I am going to be sick. I suddenly felt we had to go NOW. Our appt wasn't for an hour, so DH decided we would make a trip to Costco(!) on the way home. I felt sicker and sicker. We stopped to pick up some items and dropped them off at home on way to eye doc. I was rushing and rushing thinking we have GOT to hurry, dropping and breaking the eggs, dropping and breaking the orange juice, trying not to cry, knowing knowing knowing something was wrong. We got to the eye doc, and within 30 minutes of tests/phone calls to confer, they said Go. To. The E R. NOW. I ran to get the car, we are less than 5 miles from the hospital (coincidentally where DH works) and I realize time is of the essence. As I am driving he says "you know, I've driven this route nearly every day for 40 years". I am screaming at no one "Yeah when did they make this road 20 miles longer????" I dropped him off at ER (they had called ahead) so I could park, called someone close and just said one word "pray!": I think DH has had a stroke. He was seen in triage fairly quickly, but then the waiting began. They were so busy! I didn't like the fact that everyone in the waiting room had an armband on...they were waiting too. Finally, we got back and the hurry up and wait really began. This doc, that doc, nurses, vitals, ophthalmologists, ct scan. The scan came back clear! Whew, I am totally over reacting. Then the eye exam. It was good. Eyes healthy. This is a very bad thing in this context. My husband cannot see on the right side vision of his left eye and worse, the entire right side vision of his right eye is gone. This can only mean one thing. The MRI is now ordered. It shows he has had a stroke in the left occipital lobe, and as we all know from high school, a stroke on one side affects the opposite side. I am sick sick sick. I remember putting my fist in my mouth not to scream. I have many dear friends and family members who have serious illness and I think the one thing in common is this: You hear the bad words: Cancer. Heart Attack. Stroke. and you literally hear nothing after that.  My first thought after wanting to scream was : "We went shopping at Costco while my husband was having a stroke." (Later on, the docs told us that nothing would have been done differently even if we had arrived earlier...I felt slightly less guilty) The next thing another CT scan, with dye to see why he had a stroke. We had more info shoved into our faces: Occluded carotid artery, some disease in another artery. This is a healthy active man who eats well, low sodium. no high blood pressure issues...although not too consistent with exercise. But OK, otherwise good. He has had cholesterol issues (genetic) and unable to take the medication that helped with that due to side effects, but yet, over all, we thought he was doing pretty well. Uh yeah, about that... He is put into the hospital, perhaps the first time in 25 years and he is scared. I start making phone calls as he rests. I quietly break down with close friends and family members so he won't hear me. I have never been one of those people that says "why us?" but a person who says "OK, what do we need to do NOW? How can we fix this?" I love this man so much, he is my absolute LIFE. His children would be lost w/o him, his grandchildren adore him. He is my first, my last, my everything. He is hurting and I can't fix it.

Note: The national stroke association has the Act FAST response to a stroke:
*F*ace: Ask the person to smile, does one side droop?
*A*rms: Ask them to raise both arms, does one side drift downward?
*S*peech: Ask them to repeat a sentence. Can they do so correctly without slurring?
*T*ime: If you suspect someone is having a stroke, get them to a hospital ASAP! You have a limited amount of time before the effects of a stroke are irreversible!