The Eyes Have It

DH had an eye therapy appointment today and there is still a little voice in the back of his head (this time it is not me) that says "Is there any improvement? Can it get better or is the best it'll ever get?" He is also wary of taking another major eye test (the long and involved excrutiating test) because he is afraid it will show it has worsened or have his driving privileges taken away. Now he isn't suffering any new symptoms, he doesn't feel that it has gotten worse, but you know it's like those dreams you have about having a test that you haven't studied for...no matter how crazy the dream might be, it usually reveals insecurities about other things. No one likes to "fail", yet we all worry endlessly about how we appear to others. You can be at the top of your game...then one misstep...and you feel as if you have let down your whole team. As we watch the Olympics, we are reminded that you can do a gymnastic routine (or swimming relay or volleyball game) 3,000 times perfectly, then BOOM. Game over. You are done with competing and you feel as if your whole world has been shattered. You have worked and slaved over your sport. You have practiced and given up many other things: family life, rest time, vacations, dating, sleeping for your sport. Of course everyone wants to go to the Olympics!

Of course they all want to medal!
 If I had a buck for every time I failed...as the saying goes, I would be a millionaire. (On the flip side, if I had a million dollars for every time I did something great, I would also be a millionaire, at least for those few moments until I screwed up again). The truth be told that those athletes in their failures, are so much better than the 99% of the rest of humanity's BEST efforts. We applaud each and every one of you, yes, even the "fails".
So GO(LD) USA!
I think DH is needlessly worrying, he is constantly checking his vision, squinting back and forth. Of course when I see him doing it, I immediately flip into Nag Patrol. "What's wrong? Is something different?" Reminding myself that it was that odd look he had as he was having his stroke that made me know right away something was wrong, makes ME over think, makes ME look for something different, something wrong. See? I am just as bad. Ah, will we ever relax? Will we always be on guard? Argh!

Something completely different: We have now invented a new scoring system for the games: The Hug-O-Meter. You see, when the volley ball players score a point (or lose a point to the opposing team)there is the group HUG. They pat fannies, they high five, they slap their backs, but mostly they hug. So if they lose that set, do they start questioning their huggability factor? " Oh Gosh! did I not hug enough? Was there quantity but no quality?  Did we lose that because the other team gave longer hugs? " Well, you can see the problem. So get out there and hug someone...you may score a point or two. (Or get slapped by that perfect stranger you saw at Safeway and tried to hug...)

Lastly, thank you for reading this blog. Maybe you don't even know us but stumbled on it by accident. Maybe you're a loved one who just wants to stay in touch. It has been cathartic to write this, but also in writing this, it frees me up from making multiple phone calls and repeating the story over and over. As I write this, we are a few views away from 2000. Nearly 2000 times people have read this blog since April! I am stunned. Honestly I feel like awarding a gift or something to the 2000th reader. Maybe I will bake a cake.

Then eat it. ALL. Then get sick and gain like 20 pounds. Then I can write another blog about how blogging makes you gain weight. Oh here's a hug to all!

Vacancy Vacationcy

DH and I just returned from a mini-vacation taking the coast from almost the very north, to the south of our beautiful state. In fact, we were able to creep into the northern part of our neighbors to the south. Now if you can decipher that sentence, I am impressed. We had decided to just "drive", no firm plans, no reservations made. We were fortunate in that nearly everywhere we wanted to stay, we found a room. This was a good time to just get the R and R we were craving. So much has happened in the last few months that we were physically and mentally exhausted. Just being able to drive was HUGE. I am reminded that it was only 4 months ago that DH had a stroke, lost his vision, and was unable to drive for 8 weeks after. We thought he had forever lost that ability, so it was doubly sweet. We explored state parks, waysides, viewpoints, cheesy tourist stores, restaurants, luxury suites and rustic cabins. There were 3 places along the way that we had always wanted to stay in, and as luck (and cancellations from others) would have it, we were able to stay there. Two of those were more rustic than rustic: One a very old motel on the coast that had log cabins and the other in a National Monument with a CCC built hotel. We were lucky it had its own bathroom :-)
This national Monument has a cave that we have gone to many times, but we decided to go again.
Pre-stroke it is dicey. Post-stroke with vision loss and depth perception trauma was REALLY exciting. Here is the dilemma I face as a concerned (i.e. nagging) wife. How much help do I offer? Where is the line drawn that is smothering vs helpful? I realized very early on in the cave tour it was going to be an issue. Tight spots, stairs, faint light add up to a careful trek on DH's part and much concern on my part. I thought that if I went first I could warn him of the overhanging spots and the uneven steps. Next, I held out my hand on the uneven pathway parts should he feel the need for a little extra guidance. It worked out okay, but I was worried that I was "smothering". We talked about it later and he said it was okay and that he really depended on me to help when needed. As I said, it is a fine line and I am learning as I go along where that line should be firmly demarcated and where it is fuzzier.
Having been on the road, we didn't hear news of the tragedy in Colorado until much later in the day. I was so stunned. I think when you start hearing stories of survivors and stories of people giving their own lives to protect others, you are filled with awe. I have no doubt that I would die to protect someone I love. This is a given. If someone were to attempt to harm my loved ones, I would fight to the death to protect them. Of this I am certain. There have been many times in my life that doing the right thing have come up. Some of those occasions have been with perfect strangers. Once I was driving past a house where a pickup truck with metal cans in the back (and an out of state license plate) was parked and a man was stooped down on a driveway with an elderly woman. He was pointing out cracks in her driveway. I played a hunch (snoop that I am) and stopped and said to the woman : "Do you know this man? Is he trying to get you to repair your driveway?" He immediately got up, all 300 pounds of beef slab and told me to mind my own business. I told him it was my business if he was trying to bilk an old lady. I told her he was trying to rip her off and suggested she go in to call the police. Then I called the police. Apparently this "gentleman" was one of many with tarry paint cans that went around conning the elderly and "repairing" cracks. Ok, so maybe I should have just called the police and not confronted the jerk. However, this was minor compared to the ultimate in stupidity that I did one time. I was walking downtown and there was some sort of group watching a huge man beating on a woman much smaller than he. I was struck by the bystanders, mostly well-dressed MEN no doubt on their lunch hours. I said to no one in particular: "What the heck is going on?" UNBELIEVEABLY, one replied "Oh it's just two drunken Indians having a spat." Are you kidding me?? This was happening in broad daylight? Not to mention the overt racism. Had it been a minority beating on a white woman, would that have made a difference? Not one was doing anything to help nor even calling the police! (pre-cell phone days) I ran into the nearest store and told them to call the police, then I did a crazy thing without thinking: I jumped on this man's back and started hitting him and telling him to stop beating this woman. Did I stop and think he might be armed? Or that he might hurt me? No. All I could see was someone beating someone into a pulp.  Stupid stupid stupid. However, my stupid actions caused other men in the crowd to finally act, to subdue this man and hold him until police arrived. Would I do this today? Hopefully, I would be slightly more clear-headed and call the police w/o jumping into the fray and possibly getting hurt or killed.
I will close with one more story. I was pregnant with my second child. Very pregnant. I happened to go to a mini-mart to pick something up when I was accosted by a man whom I did not know. He started screaming at me, calling me names and menacing me by blocking my passage outside the store. I was terrified. Thinking he might have a weapon , but trying to protect my child, I decided to make a run for it...if I could only get into the store I would be safe. He grabbed me and started to drag me towards his car. I fought and fought and got out of his grasp and shoved past him. I ran into the store and said "Please call the police! This man is attacking me!" The clerk looked at me and said these horrifying words I will never forget: "Hey lady, I don't want to get involved in your domestic dispute." I screamed at him "I have never seen this man before! Please help me!" He did...NOTHING. I was so shaken I could barely speak. He wouldn't let me use the phone. He wouldn't call the cops. Nothing. If I could go back in time, I would spit in his face. Not just the bad guy, but the guy who didn't want to get involved, who in my mind was worse. the bad guy? Probably mentally unstable. The "good" guy in the store: He didn't want to get involved. How dare he?
Maybe you can't save the world, but you can report something that doesn't feel right. You can stop laughing at racist jokes and tell someone that is wrong. If someone is bullying another, make a stand. If you see harm being done, do something. If you don't want to physically become involved that is understandable, but for God's sake, TELL someone in authority. Penn State learned this the hard way. Looking the other way and burying their collective heads in the sand has cost them far more than just money. It has turned their championship program into a graveyard. I have no pity whatsover for those weak and puny "leaders" that I think of as scum. Do The Right Thing, for those who cannot do for themselves. And keep doing it until someone listens.

Note to my DH on our 20th

Dearest dear Hubby, Wow! Was it really twenty years ago we met? You were the nicest man I ever met, okay, next to my daddy...but really you and he were 1a and 1b. We met working on a project at work: remember? I remember every second. We met first on the phone as we set up the time and date for the project, then you swung by my section two days later to meet up before the project two days later. I remember thinking "what a great guy!" as we shook hands and made small talk in prep for the project (I was behind on my end, but rushing to meet deadline).Two days later, we worked on the project at least 8 hours...remember? I could not believe someone as nice as you existed.We went on an official date, what nearly a year later? I don't even remember that date. Wait, I remember that DATE, just not the date of that date. I do remember laughing, talking,and acting like I was 17 again. Dinner and a walk in the park. A simple date, but simply amazing. Another date comes to mind...you asked me to marry you, or you asked to marry US, all 4 of us, me and my precious daughters. Another big day, almost a year after that we said our "I do's" as we sealed the deal. There have been many special dates since that date 20 years ago, deaths in our family, births in our family,sickness in our family; but one thing stands out in all that we have done and all that we have experienced. And that is this: We belong with each other. No one and no thing can separate us. You are my first, my last, my everything. Thank you for 20 amazing years of knowing you. Here's to more decades of joy everlasting. Ily

Recycling at its finest...

Driving in a small coastal town we saw a Jay Leno worthy sign. The sign on the top said Cemetery with an arrow pointing to the right. Directly beneath these words were "Recycling Center" also with a right pointing arrow. Now I am a huge fan of recycling. Even more, a huge fan of taking it to the nth degree. Recycling yourself when you are done with the shell we call a body. What a gift of love to the human race. A dear friend has had two heart transplants thanks to a family's unselfish gift of love. Someone else can see because of my dad's donated corneas. Someone can stop dialysis because of a kidney donation. A child is alive due to bone marrow given wholeheartedly. (Pardon the pun) Strides are made in medical research because of a whole body donation. Don't you love the idea of ultimate recycling? I wish that every cemetery had a first stop at a recycling center.I know it seems morbid, but I am so thankful for people who give of themselves and those families who give the ultimate sacrifice so that someone else might live. How beautiful is that?

Looking forward

Well, we found out the meds are most likely responsible for making DH a bit "foggy". Why oh why does the "cure" have annoying or deadly side effects? I will leave that to the experts as we continue to weigh options.
We have had a rough and tumble week. Threw a big reception for one of my BFsF: She had requested a celebration of life party while she still feels good dealing with lung cancer. It was a joyous success with more than 80 people in attendance. I cannot recall a happier or joyful occasion besides a wedding. Then daughter #4 got into a car accident that nght with her boyfriend. Thankfully they are okay, she sustained a small whiplash injury, the car didn't fare so well.Then son #2 texted us with the happy news that there were mice droppings in his bed in his cabin. Now that would make me run for the hills. We reminded him that he might need to put food into hard, mouse-proof containers.... THEN Monday, we got word from daughter #3 that she had hurt herself at her new job and had to go to ER to get stitches in her knee. Will this ever calm down? I mentioned to DH that things are going too crazy. He reminded me that "this too shall pass". Well, alrighty then. I will just try not to beat my head against the wall in worry and frustration.
Meanwhile, we got the Miata back, beautifully fixed and shiny on its rear end. Gee, I wonder if they provide that service to people? "Get your wrinkles and fender benders fixed and a nice new paint job and polish and you will look like new!" if they don't provide that service, they should. I will be first in line....

Testy Testy

It is hot. Ok, not nearly as hot as the rest of the country, but it's all relative. Normally DH is a hot guy. OK, he is HOT, but what I mean is, he likes the heat normally. No wait, he LOVES the heat. However, I am noticing that it has been more difficult for him to function in the heat as he once used to. Other things I am noticing since the stroke:

• Hard time focusing. He used to start a job, then finish it. He now putzes around, or starts something else in the middle. Thank GOD. You see, I've always been like this, now we match and I don't feel so ditzy. We are now the ADD twins. He likes to play this new game. He will decide if he is Frick or Frack for the day and I get to be the other one. (Although I think I am more like Lucy Ricardo, minus the red hair.)*
• He gets edgy if he doesn't know what is happening. If someone drops by unexpectedly, it throws him off a bit. He likes routine. Not as able to "roll with the punches".
• He seems to have a hard time processing small bits of info, sometimes I have to explain a few times.
•  He is really having a hard time with depth perception, so we try to remember to keep objects off the floor.

• He gets lost in thought and his multi-tasking skills aren't as honed.

Now I may be reading too much into this, but I think it concerns him a little bit as well. These are tiny blips in the radar: You wouldn't notice them unless you spent a lot of time with him. I think what the problem is, is that sometimes things feel overwhelming because you may be more aware of them. For instance, let's say you often lose your keys or misplace some small object here or there. You laugh it off, or it becomes the family joke. Then, a close member of your family is suddenly diagnosed with Alzheimer's and you become obsessed with the loss or misplacement of stuff. You start thinking the worst or really freak out and it snowballs until you make yourself NUTS. You question everything...even though nothing has escalated, it's not worse, but it scares you. You constantly second guess yourself. Well, I will try reassure him and be more patient. After all, he has put up with me for nearly 20 years!

*My day with ADD: Start to clean the living room, find a sock. It is dirty. Take it down to laundry room in basement. Hmm, maybe I will do a load while there. Put a load in washer. See that towels were left in dryer and are wrinkled, fluff them up, refold. Put them in the closet. Oops! I see we are out of shampoo. Go get the big container, refill the small one, take it to bathroom. Oh My! The floor is dirty, sweep it. Oh crud, the shower looks shabby, go to the closet to get cleaning supplies. Out of paper towels. Go to storeroom. I see someone has left the box of granola bars open. Oh gee, I am hungry. Guess I will have one of those. Yum, doesn't ice tea sound good? Go to kitchen to make it, see that garbage needs emptying, take it outside. Oh for heaven's sake! The weeds are so tall! Guess I will spend a couple of minutes pulling them. Crud! Got stung by a bee! I need ibuprofen. and a nap. Why the heck didn't the living room get clean?????? Lucy! You got some 'splaining to do!

Oh Deer! Car vs Car, Car vs Critter

We had a fairly uneventful Fourth, i.e. no one lost an eye or a hand on our block. Yay! Our daughter was home for a few days from her camp job, in and out like a (social) butterfly, flitting around, spending a night or two, then back to camp. Then our son came home from HIS camp job this weekend, and we decided to spend a lazy and hot afternoon at a movie. UGH. Quite possibly the worst movie ever made. However, it was at the cheapie theater, so no worries. It kept the sudience entertained with its inanity. The movie being "Battleship". What were they thinking???? Did they think that Liam Neeson's 2 minute appearance was going to legitimize this movie? Did they think the beloved Hasbro game of the same name would save this fiasco? Uh, whatever they thought, it was a resounding NO.
Took son back to the coast and camp, except this time he drove the whole way. He has his permit, but not his license yet. So Dad rode shotgun, Mom rode in the kid's seat behind the driver. I promised myself I would NOT be a back seat driver. Dad is much better at that, anyway. More patient, more calm. I put in my Ipod, turned on my Kindle and settled down to read. I happened to look up and saw much to my dismay (I am screaming silently really) a car coming at us in our lane, passing a long line of cars. We were literally within feet of this car.My son, calmly taking a cue from Dad, simply pulled over to the side of the road. I am shaking uncontrollably. It was only a few days ago there had been another fatal accident near that same area. I am so thankful I am married to a calm man, an unflappable man. Who is training his son to be calm and unflappable. If I had been in the driver's seat, or riding shotgun, I would have turned my car around in a movie spin, chased him down, took out the tire iron and broken all his windows. Then dragged him out of the car and slapped him around. Lucky for him, I wasn't driving. Hahaha. Soooo....the rest of the drive, uneventful and boring. YAY. Drop him off, kisses, hugs, off to home. DH is driving. Mr. Unflappable. Mr. Calm. I start to read my Kindle and we were yakking back and forth. I had my eyes on him and suddenly, he swerves to the right, his face NOT CHANGING EXPRESSION. I am not sure what has happened, but just as I am panicking thinking something has gone wrong, I see the dear deer, (Doe, a deer, a female deer?) leaping across the highway, from right to left. He doesn't even have sweat on his lip. (Hubby, not the deer, it may very well have sweat...can't really tell.) Anyway, once again, I am thankful to be married to this sweet calm man who takes life in stride w/o flipping out at crazy stuff. Unlike his wife. Yin? Yang? Yucks? Yow? Yikes?Whatever you call it, we make a good team. I try to make him nuts, he just smiles. Gotta love this guy! (Yeah, when the kids call and say "Can I talk to Dad?", I know they have wrecked the car/got a bad grade/ate an undone burger/robbed a bank and know I will flip out, so they ask for him. Alert! Trouble ahead!) Thanks babe, when the storm is tossing the boat, you're the one making sure the life jackets are on. Love you.

Tofurkey, Beef Cake, Mistakes, and Car repair

When our out of state company was here, they took a drive to the Gorge to see the Gorge-ous (yeah yeah, stupid pun) views that our state has to offer. Being vegetarian, they also were attracted to the place that makes Tofurky as well as other vegan/vegetarian *schmeat products. Many many years ago, there were very few options for a vegetarian. They were limited to scary grayish wannabe meats made by the Seventh Day Adventists in the Loma Linda brand. No offense or anything, but that stuff was NASTY. Then along came tofu and tempeh, of course used for years in Asian cooking, but it became more mainstream in the Western veggie diets. Now of course, we are blessed with Lik'n (my name for faux chicken) and other faux meats that I call *schmeat (I really need to patent that) that actually look and taste pretty meaty. Because it is becoming more mainstream, I think it is easier to sub schmeat for the real thing. DH is becoming more amenable to eating the schmeat, ok, maybe not LOVING it, but being very game about at least trying it. Game. Get it? Another horrible pun. After seeing what effect it has had on his cholesterol levels, he is even more on board to dietary changes. I will be excited to see the changes ahead. He has even lost some weight, another plus. (Or should I say minus?) In any case, they visited the company but were not allowed tours. I am shocked! I am pretty sure that it is a scam. I am thinking they really have these tofurkys in little cages, cramped in a darkened room, keeping them drugged so they don't peck each other to death. I think you should all write Turtle Island Foods and demand that they open their doors to the public so we can see just what goes on there. We must make sure that the tofurkys (tofurkies?) are being treated humanely and have good living conditions, allowed to roam free in the outdoors. This is our right as consumers!!! Make yourself heard people!
Beef Cake: Saw Magic Mike. DH did not want to go. I have no idea why. Ha Ha, right..... To sum up the viewing experience: Two older ladies were in the restroom after having seen the movie (for those of you who are in the dark concerning the plot: The "plot" such as it was, consisted of men. Stripping. Wiggling. Dancing. Jiggling. Nuff said. ) Anyway, said L.O. L. was washing her hands and said
"Wish I could get me some of that Channing Tatum." (the star of the show) Made me laugh. I will take my DH any day, thank you very much.
Took Miata to the car doctor. They seem to think it is repairable. Okey dokey, sounds fair, but they can't get into the trunk to see if there is deeper damage. We shall see. The adjuster looked at the mileage and said "so, is that 180,000 miles on the car?" The thinking being I guess that a 22 year old car has got to have turned over at least once. DH assured her that it was 80 k actual miles, hence the ZERO in front of the 8, silly!
Mistakes: I know we all make mistakes. I know this in my head. However, when someone makes a mistake that affects me in a bad way, it makes me crazy. Not because it was a mistake, but because it is usually something that was avoidable and they weren't thinking things thru, so it becomes a problem.  Case in point: When I hear that a bank robber or a rapist has "made a mistake" or "used poor judgement" I want to throw up. A mistake is putting in a decimal point in the wrong spot on a deposit slip, not writing a hold up note on the deposit slip. That is a CHOICE. Anyway, I am digressing. Someone made a mistake (yes, a very avoidable one) that affected us. I won't get into that. But I will say this: If you are going to make a mistake that affects someone, make sure it is my dear hubby. He will be sweet, he will not get mad, he will excuse your rotten behavior, he will treat you nicely and forgive you. I will slap you silly or at the very least roll my eyes and sigh. LOUDLY. Oh, he won't forgive people who harm children and the like, but he just never gets upset over stupid stuff. I wish I was more like him. He is That Guy who makes you feel better about being a screw up.This month marks 20 years since we met. I am a better woman having known him. He is my everything. Thanks for putting up with me. ILY babe.