Annual Labor

I struggled to find a title to adequately describe an annual event that is not exactly happy (as in "Happy Birthday!" or "Happy Anniversary!") yet it is not sad either, such as in honoring a loved one who died on a certain date.

Today, April 6th, marks the one-year-ago-today since The Stroke.  I honestly never thought a year ago, that I would be seeing this date, one year in the future. I think back to that horrifying day when our world crashed down around us. I think back to the year since seeing how far we have come.

It is also a "graduation" of sorts: Yesterday we had what was (hopefully) our last visit to the Stroke Clinic. While in the waiting room, an older man and his wife and most likely their daughter, were sitting across from us. His wife was talking to him, but I noticed the daughter was agitated. She went up to the desk and said "Look, he is still in pain, please do something!"

A person at the desk said she would get a doctor to come out immediately. The doctor came out and spoke to the man and his wife. The wife said they had been at the hotel and he felt pain in his head and leg. He asked the man where the pain was, and the man could only grunt and point. I realized that this man had lost his ability to speak. My heart broke for them. My heart broke for the daughter who was so stressed out over her father's condition. Oh, I have been there and still am in many ways, trying to articulate why my beloved DH still has pain.

I know! I know! We are so lucky! I have heard it a million times (and said it to myself). But when you hear that phrase, it somehow negates the fact that you are indeed suffering. It diminishes your private pain. We are indeed "lucky" (which I actually take to mean as "blessed").  When we spoke to the doctor, he said that DH is no more at risk for a (second) stroke than those who have never had one. That was especially sweet to hear. He doesn't have motor issues, nor cognitive issues. He has regained a good share of the lost vision. We eat very well and he takes proper supplements.

Then the bad news. We got back the report for his lipid panel and it does not look as good as we had hoped. He has been off the statins for about 4-5 months and the cholesterol numbers reflect that.
I was so hoping that by changing his diet, we could control his numbers. Genetic make-up is nigh impossible to change, laddies. (I thought it would sound better in a Scottish accent)

Going back on statins to me is not an option. He has had nothing but agony while on them (and possibly the ongoing muscle and nerve pain now that have hung around). I am stumped for ideas. The studies seem to show that statins do not prevent heart attacks. What about stroke?  In talking to the doctor yesterday, we learned that having a completely blocked carotid artery is not that unusual. He told us they even remove them surgically sometimes. That was a shocker! I knew they sometimes put in stents or did roto-rootering of the arteries (not as common as they once did) but removal? I guess if it is concreted in like an oil well in the Gulf, well, why have it at all? We discussed what he can or should not do. (Our concern was how to keep the plaque from loosening and jetting off into the brain to possible cause another stroke.)

NOTS:

• No Chiropractic neck twists
• no crazy sudden neck extensions

CANS:

• Carnival rides (really???) 
• gentle neck exercises
• massages 

Surprisingly, he told us that young people are more at risk for neck issues because of carotid artery tearings. Their veins are more susceptible to the elasticity. Wow, another reason to get old, your veins get all hard and tough.

He then told us a story about a patient he had that had suffered a stroke. He was morbidly obese, a smoker, he was an extreme out-of-control diabetic and he was demanding to go home against his doctor's wishes. The doctor said quietly "Either he is back shortly or will die. But I see in you (DH) that you are doing all the right things. You've changed your diet, you don't smoke, you keep your weight low, you do all you can. That's the success story we like."
I can offer up my heartiest "Amen!". I think you do all that you can to control the environment around you (and obviously we cannot control everything) but doing what you can to live as well as you can, and the other stuff is left up to chance.

Last year we lost a close friend to pancreatic cancer. While he was going through treatment, his wife was already starting the grieving process. The life they had was gone. She feared life without him, so much that it was haunting her every waking moment. Someone said to her something like this "Well, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow."

I think it put into perspective that none of us have any promise about how long we have here, but to live life to the fullest with the time we have. Don't grieve for the time you don't have tomorrow, but rejoice in the time you have today.


Don't spend time on petty arguments or silly stuff. Tell your loved ones you love them. Do something nice for someone else. Spend time with those you love. Step outside your comfort zone and do something daring. Have a blast! Read a book. Knit a scarf, then donate it. Write a letter (not just an email). Spruce up the house. Eat healthier. Get exercise. Get a haircut. Buy a new outfit. Lose some weight. Kiss your darling. Cuddle your kids and grandkids. Write your memoirs so your kids know who you are. Throw out crap. Get rid of hatred in your life. Forgive someone. Dance. Recycle. Sign up to be an organ donor. Plant some flowers. Buy some flowers. Plant a garden or buy Really Good Produce. Smile and say good morning to people walking by. Tell silly jokes. Forgive yourself. Stop smoking. Curtail your drinking. Ride the roller coaster. Take a walk. Talk, really talk, to your spouse/partner. Go to a movie. Make out at the movies. Play a board game. Be stupid. Be smart. Make a dumb face in the middle of an argument and crack up the other person. Be kind. Be sweet. Do something crazy. Kiss. A lot. Be thankful.
And dang it! have a Happy Day. Any old day.

Tis a fine day

End of Spring Break is supposed to be dark, dreary, rainy, and yucky. Instead it is an amazing sky blue gorgeous day. Don't get me wrong; I am not complaining, but when the kids go back to school, it is more likely that they will pay attention when the beautiful outdoors is not calling.

We got to take a few days off from doctor appointments to enjoy some R and R during Spring Break. No, this did include drinking binges, dancing in bikinis on board a traveling party boat, or partying of any kind. It was a bit more sedate, including miles of bike trails, inner tubing in a water park (in the rain) and down a steep slope and book-reading, lots of book-reading. In other words, relaxing.

Unfortunately, the pain in DH's body is never far from our minds. We are just mystified what could possibly be the cause. And as I think I mentioned before, we may never find the cause, but it would sure be nice if they found a treatment. This week, it's more trips to the doctors. They now know what it ISN'T, so maybe they can figure out what it IS. If only. We continue the search.

This week also marks a YEAR since the stroke. I can hardly believe that a full year has gone by since that frightening day that I thought our world as we knew it, was coming to an end. In a sense, it did. Just a few days after the stroke, we had Easter planned. I wanted to cancel, but DH said nope. he wanted normal. Needless to say, that Easter dinner was a lot of me over-doing it due to worry that DH might trip or fall because of his blind spot caused by the stroke. Today, we were all together again, reminded that although things changed, they remained the same. It was a sweet day for us.

What we have learned this year:

• Humbleness: We are humbled by so many that have given a helping hand or an encouraging note.
• Forgiveness: We forgive ourselves when things get crazy. We forgive those who sometimes say hurtful things.
• People care: We have had over 6,000 hits on this blog. I am astounded. 
• Patience:  It is not going to get fixed back to where it was.
• People listen and act on that: If it wasn't for a friend of a friend who listened to our plight, we would never have found the eye doctor and his therapists that helped DH see again, not 100% of original, but pretty dang close.
• Family is everything: This family came together to help us through some dark times, and by family, I also mean our closest friends: you know who you are. The older grand-kids knowing something was wrong, were so sweet, and the younger ones, even though they didn't really understand, just continued to give hugs and kisses to me and their beloved grandpa. Our babies are so precious! Okay, our grand-babies range from age 2 to mid-20's, but they are still our babies.
• Love will see you through: Sometimes things get testy, but you have to stop and realize that the person standing right there in front of you is the most precious one on earth and nothing, but nothing, should ever take that away.
• Doctors don't know everything: hahahahahaha.
• Some doctors admit that. Some don't.
• Learning to drive a big huge vehicle is not as scary as it looks. Well, maybe a little.
• Things can and do get better: If you don't believe this, go read my blog from the beginning. 
• Life is good and sometimes downright scary.

Onward and Upward....trudging slowly and steadily...

A wonderful life

 Four years ago today, we lost someone dear to us.

He wasn't a rock star. He wasn't a rocket scientist. He wasn't anyone famous.
He was kind of grumpy sometimes. He hated change. He like preciseness. If you said "We left the house at 6:30", he would pipe up and say "It was 6:27!" 

He liked The Three Stooges, old-time comedy radio and TV shows. He liked the computer and visiting websites. He liked model trains and Car Talk. He liked building airplane models and collecting stuff. He hated parting with anything, even long past its usefulness. Not really a hoarder but a "thrifty saver". You never know when you might need that check number 231 from 1962.

When he was a little guy, he got polio. They think it was from playing in the water that cooled off the kids in inner city Chicago. He had a baby brother just about that time, but mom had to leave her infant, as soon as he was born, to tend to him in the hospital. Family often moved into the hopsital in those days to help the shorthanded nurses. Dad took care of the newborn. Unheard of in those days, but I'm sure a bond was forged early on between them.

As the two boys grew, it was obvious that the elder couldn't do as much as the older kids: his brace got in the way...yet, the kids all helped him and worked around his disability to make sure he could play baseball still. The younger boy made sure to include him always...God help you if you made fun of his older brother.

Dad died young, so the two boys helped mom out always. The elder never left home nor married; he was always there to help his mom on the day to day stuff. The younger went off to college, and later married, yet, he made sure things were done that needed doing if the elder son wasn't able to.

The younger son, now with a young family, moved his mom and brother from another state to live near him. The elder brother, in spite of his disabilities, never let anything stop him. He never complained about anything. He was a proud man. He accompanied his mom on trips so she could see the world. He doted on his niece and nephew, he loved to buy them gifts and do fun things with them.

Later on his brother remarried a woman with three little ones and he got a second job: picking up the youngest from school on some days. They became great buddies. She loved him so fiercely! They would play Hangman for hours, or other word games. Every end of summer, he and his mom had a ritual: take the kids school shopping, then maybe to a movie or a restaurant for lunch. It was a treasured memory for all. Later on, going through his stuff after he died, there were dozens of movie ticket stubs from their outings!

Another baby nephew joined the family and he was named after his dad. I think that made him pretty happy. It was fun watching him with another baby in the family. He took his "Uncle" job very seriously. Oh, we might get exasperated with him sometimes, he was grumpy, remember? But he was OUR grump. Getting him to actually SMILE was a coup in itself. I remember once driving him somewhere and he was being his usual grumpy self, and I said something that struck him funny. He let out a giggle and had a big smile on his face. For him that was a belly laugh.

When his mom died, he was kind of lost. It was painful to watch. I think a little piece of him died then too. Oh they bickered sometimes like an old married couple (causing the youngest child to think they were actually married, not mother and son !) but it was never serious. He missed her terribly, the one person he saw every day of his life, that made sure he was treated with dignity and unconditional love.

After she died, we made sure to include him in any celebration: it wouldn't have been the same without him there. As the grand nieces and grand nephews arrived, he had more fun buying baby toys. He was very meticulous as a gift giver, buying just the perfect thing. He had fallen at Christmas time in 2008 during a terrific snowstorm, so we were not able to celebrate Christmas together that year, and when he died in March, we found all those carefully wrapped gifts, with the nieces' and nephews' names on them. It was bittersweet: a final gift, but a painful memory of his last months with us.
He was my brother-in-law, and we miss him still. Yet, I feel that somewhere he's running in a baseball field on two perfect legs, having the time of his life. 

Miss you My.

Another day, another (mini) crisis.

 I had to have an emergency root canal done yesterday. Oh my! I have figured out what the difference is of a scheduled root canal and an emergency one: PAIN: throbbing stinking horrific PAIN, and that's the non-emergency one hah!



Even though we have not figured out the cause of DH's neuropathy, we have decided it doesn't really matter the cause, but what can we do to fix it? I am not sure "fix" is the right word. I take it back. What can we do to live with it?

Here's what we have done so far:

• Dietary change: More Omega 3-9 (dietary wise) i.e. fish/less carbs/more fruits and veggies
• Less Omega 6's...which is shown to cause inflammation and in a landmark study was shown to be the possible cause for a rise in heart attacks. (Not the 6's per se, but the imbalance of 3's and 6's as the  working theory)http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2013/02/24/butter-vs-margarine-debate-revived/
• Chiropractic adjustments
• Foot reflexology http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reflexology
• Stress Less: relaxation techniques, relaxation tapes
• Hobby pursuits (the theory being, do something you love and you won't focus so much on the pain)
• Acupressure and possibly acupuncture (which is not covered on insurance, but still thinking that it might be helpful)

We were referred to the pain clinic's classes on PAIN: What it is, how to cope. Pain is weird. We immediately think that PAIN is a disease in and of itself: Nope! If you have ever been in pain, a lot of pain, you are thinking you are dying. To DH, the pain is new and horrid. He is not used to being in pain. I have had fibromyalgia for many years and I am so "used" to the pain, that I don't even think about it anymore...that is unless someone slaps me on the back in a hearty hello greeting or bumps into me and steps on my foot. I want to die. Other than that, I seldom think of it. When I am filling out medical papers, I forget to mention it, unless it specifically mentions it. Now I find out from my new physical therapist that working through the pain is not necessarily a good thing. And I thought I was so stoic. Who knew? Looking forward to the classes tomorrow. I hope it clears up a few things, because I am tired of the whining. (my whining, not his)

Eclair So Fair

Whew. DH had his appointment with the neurologist and the good news is:
Everything in normal limits. There appears to be no muscle or nerve damage.  I underlined it, because that doesn't mean there isn't pain. But the fact that there doesn't seem to be loss of the nerve pathways, is fabulous! However, we are still considering that he has pain due to the statins. I doubt there is a doctor out there (except a naturopath) that will agree with that, but there is anecdotal evidence of thousands of consumer complaints, that this is a real and sometimes permanent condition.
Anxiety just adds to the mix when you fear that your body is traveling downhill quicker than an Olympic skier.

We feel certain that we are on the right path with dietary changes and the herbal/spice path that seems to help inflammation. We will know pretty soon when he has his cholesterol levels checked again.
Meanwhile, it is cause for celebration. The title meaning? We were so giddy with the good news we stopped and bought one eclair to eat on the way home. It was a good way to celebrate life, joy, being a couple, and a Very Happy Day.

Smaller than actual size :-)

Oh Happy/Slappy Day

Happy Day: Got a neurology appt for DH, in two days! This is cause for rejoicing because it can sometimes take weeks, if not months, to see a neurologist. This is outrageous, but inevitable. there is too many sick people and too few specialists. Sad, huh?

Slappy Day: Reading The People's Pharmacy e-newsletter and so many people wrote in about their experience with statins and the correlation between ALS and ALS-type of symptoms that they attributed to statins. It gave me pause, which is a polite way of saying "WHAT THE BLEEP?"
I plan on printing out some medical journal studies that suggest there may be a correlation, not merely relying on anecdotal evidence, and take them with us to the neurologist. I feel that there has been a victory of sorts. The new doctor we saw last week really and truly seemed to take us seriously, not just pooh-pooh DH's symptoms. He took a lot of time to listen, he got us that golden ticket referral and ordered some blood tests that might help rule out (or rule in) certain things.

More Slappiness: I got another kidney infection, almost a year to the day of the last one that sent me to the hospital for a few days. Again, almost zero warning, BUT luckily caught in time so that I was not hospitalized. YAY. Go Me. Except...more antibiotics. Ugh.

Antibiotics have their place. I know! I know! But a year ago, I got a weird lump above my eye and had to take antibiotics it started a domino effect of the kidney infection (due to the first antibiotics) and getting more of a different kind, then a bout with a wicked thing called c.difficile (due to
those antibiotic), then another round of different ones to heal the c. diff.
 (http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/clostridium-difficile-colitis)  All in all, I had 5 different kinds of antibiotics....and we wonder how we get those resistant bugs.
Don't you think it is weird that we have all kinds of cutesy pictures and poetry and songs talking about the heart, a vital organ in your body, but I can't remember one song or sweet picture about a kidney. What is up with that???? Oh wait here's one! Yay!

And hey, I DID find a cute kidney song. Admittedly amateurish but cute... (And if your kidney failed, I would give you mine...ahh sweet romance!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS8wFTc7FmE


I am thankfully feeling much better at this, the end of the weekend, than I did at the beginning.

Oh Happy Day...

Self-Medicating

What does "self-medicating" conjure up for you?  I know you may be jumping to conclusions right about now. Visions of illicit drugs spring to mind, right?
Ha. Gotcha.
There are many ways people self-medicate. Healthy/Unhealthy/Expensive
Obvious things (that may fall into all three categories:

• Drugs that may be prescribed

• Drugs that someone "loans" you 
• Alcohol

• Old medication for another injury (such as dental surgery that gave you a few Vicodins that you didn't use up, but are now using for another purpose) 

Not so obvious things:

• Shopping
• Eating, especially sweet, fats, so-called comfort foods
•  Exercise, sometimes to excess
• Meditation, introspection, deep-breathing
• Going for therapy
• A massage
• Sex
• Music
• Going on a little get-away
• Taking a long, extended leave of absence
• Hobbies/Crafts/Creative outlets

I am looking at the lists above and thinking, that most of these are not intrinsically BAD, however, they can take over your life and before you know it, your "retail therapy" or stuffing your face has become yet another problem. It is a vicious circle.
 Example:
You are overweight. You are filled with self-loathing.You eat to fill a need in your soul. It feels good. You gain weight. You are filled with self-loathing. Get where this is going?

Another example:
 You are overweight. You are filled with self-loathing. You decide to do something about it. You start going to the gym. It becomes your lifeline. You find yourself there two, three hours a day. You are losing weight. It makes you happy. Your relationships start becoming a little rocky. Your mate doesn't understand why you have no interest in going to a movie. "Because it's during my exercise class!" (one of ten you go to per week.)

Another example:
You get into a fight with your mate. You feel guilty and angry and self-righteous, because you are right. You shut him/her out. You ignore him/her and give them the silent treatment. You justify this by saying to yourself "Well, at least we are not fighting". You leave the house and go to a bar. You have a few drinks. And then a few more. You think that by removing yourself from the situation, you are being kind.

There are so many more examples I could give you, but you get the gist. Of those things I mentioned, many are therapeutic! The problem becomes when the treatment itself becomes the problem. Does that make sense? Is exercise good? Of course! Can it become a problem? Of course! As can any of those things. Who hasn't sat down to eat a rich dessert for the intense satisfaction it brings you, only to feel like a loser because you gave into your perceived lack of willpower?

Currently, DH and I are both going through some tough times medically. I get so angry! I get angry because I feel we are doing so many "right" things. I feel like the angry spouse who is trying everything to keep a marriage together and watching it crumble thinking "What more could I have done?" (PLEASE NOTE: My marriage is NOT in trouble, I am making a point.)
I try to exercise every day, not as much as I would like, but some. Then something gets injured and it makes me nuts.
We try to eat right, by that I mean we follow a clean/paleo/Mediterranean type of diet. (basic foods, as little of processed foods or added sugar/flour as possible)
And I am gaining weight. (of course, I am eating more "good" fats i.e. olive oil, nuts in moderation, avocado blah blah, but still....)
Okay, I am self-medicating with a piece of chocolate nearly everyday. Haha.
The one thing I have always relied on is talking to my buds, but then I realized that I am sounding whiny. They have their own crap. I don't want to bother them with my crap.
Outlets. I need more outlets. (No, not the huge malls you shop at with markdown items)
I still shop, but its for yummy food that I can make at home. We rarely go out, so food is fun to make and experiment with. That seems like a  good outlet, right?
Am I too obsessed with good diet? Is it doing anything, anything at all? I have no idea. When my dad had his first heart attack, he changed his life/diet with a vengeance. Eat right, exercise, go go go.
He died 2 years later.
Was it enough?
Was he too far gone?
Does it make a difference?
I have no idea. Oh my, this sounded messily depressing today. So sorry, I am venting. Rather than eating/shopping/drinking. Blog therapy. Thanks! Seems harmless enough!